Today hasn't been a good one thus far. Dealing with kiddo gets so very stressful, and hubs is not feeling well and hasn't been feeling well for a while now. Kiddo most assuredly has a major psychiatric disorder, and I should be able to remind myself of that during the problems, but often I cannot. The stress is unbearable sometimes. Picture a fifteen year old who looks 17 or 18 with the mentality of a five year old sometimes. Very smart, but cannot control their emotions at all. We've been at bowling alleys before where the outbursts of rage silenced the entire crowd. I mean, a bowling alley is a loud place where people don't usually notice things, and to have all the other folks there stop and stare like "what the heck was that?" lets you know how severe the rages are sometimes.
After kiddo works out (or after a medium to major rage), they are kind, well spoken and pleasant to talk to...for a while. When the adrenaline wears off, back into the abyss we go. It's so very hard. I grew up with a lot of yelling and screaming in my family and you would think I would be used to it; but not being empowered to get kiddo the help they need is probably what sets me off the worst of all. Don't want to overstep my bounds, but I could just about write kiddo's prescription...that would probably help. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to practice medicine without a license.
I know I need to care for myself and thinking of doing so right now just feels like yet another "to do" on an overflowing list of stressors.
God will help me through this somehow, and I am hoping relief is here soon. Either change the situation, or change me and how I deal with it. I can live with either one, I think. I know that God has a plan and is at work, but often it is just an intellectual assent. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what is going on behind the scenes of what looks to all the world like abandonment, and it keeps me going. God will deliver this kid yet. God's the only one who can at this point.
After kiddo works out (or after a medium to major rage), they are kind, well spoken and pleasant to talk to...for a while. When the adrenaline wears off, back into the abyss we go. It's so very hard. I grew up with a lot of yelling and screaming in my family and you would think I would be used to it; but not being empowered to get kiddo the help they need is probably what sets me off the worst of all. Don't want to overstep my bounds, but I could just about write kiddo's prescription...that would probably help. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to practice medicine without a license.
I know I need to care for myself and thinking of doing so right now just feels like yet another "to do" on an overflowing list of stressors.
God will help me through this somehow, and I am hoping relief is here soon. Either change the situation, or change me and how I deal with it. I can live with either one, I think. I know that God has a plan and is at work, but often it is just an intellectual assent. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what is going on behind the scenes of what looks to all the world like abandonment, and it keeps me going. God will deliver this kid yet. God's the only one who can at this point.
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