Grabbing things through serendipity...

...yep, I'm always on the lookout for things that can be analogies, or speak to my situation, running them through the filter of discernment (hopefully!) along the way.

Today I saw a TV show (documentary) where an alcoholic took an entire bottle of tranquilizers. The person did it on camera. Days later in the hospital, after nearly dying, the person vehemently denied they took the pills, and blamed their mother, quite vociferously. Basically they said, "my mom must have slipped them into my drink." Yeah, right. Gee, remember your mom was thirty minutes away from your house? Gosh, musta been telekinesis from a remote location...;-P

The distraught mother, in a hospital waiting room, was told by another family member:

"She doesn't want to take responsibility for what she has done, so she needs to dump it on you instead."

Precisely. A moment of supreme clarity for my particular situation.

Always interesting

Who doesn't like to learn more about themselves, or have things confirmed that they already deduced? Thanks to Mel over at Praise in the Storm
http://praiseinthestorm-mel.blogspot.com , I went to Personal DNA and checked myself out. Here's their take on ole nashbabe...



You are an inventor.

• Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.
• You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.
• The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.
• Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

You are advocating.

• Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
• Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
• One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
• You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.


They even gave me some recommendations...:-)

• While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
• Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.
• When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

Today was market...

...and it was slow.

There was a lot more good stuff to it, however. My vendor friends and I had an important and helpful conversation that really helped us both, I think.

Hubs and kiddo were very helpful setting up and tearing down. Kiddo even said the night before "Do we need more time to set up in the morning? I can get up earlier if you want." Never mind that the kid is already getting up at 5:30 on Saturday mornings to help. I was deeply touched and said "thank you, that is so kind of you, but no, please don't get up any earlier."

Plus, I got an order for a custom apron from a regular customer. That's always fun.

I need a lot more stock for the booth, for wholesale, and for upcoming events. I also have a special project that needs a bunch of attention too.

Lots of work in the fall as usual...my challenge is to actually get some rest and realize that I DESERVE rest. Yes, that's not what the adults in my life told me when I was a kid, and it is deeply ingrained in me. But I DO deserve rest, darnit! Just need to learn that...

A dead giveaway

You know your life is too frantic and stressful when you put your shirt on backwards and don't notice for two hours. What a putz I am! ;-P

Commemmorating 200,000 Miles...

...our little green import (affectionately nicknamed "Kermit") has now reached its 200,000 mile mark.

We bought it from a pastor friend at 135,000, so I guess that means 65,000 miles have been piled on the thing in the last few years.

The major problem with it when we bought it was that it was the car of a fan of a vile NFL team. We exorcised that problem by applying an insignia of the correct NFL team ;-) which was meant to exorcise the demons of that vile team. *L* Oh, yeah, and we had to fix the AC. Compared to the first item of business, that was not a big deal... ;-)

The view out the front windshield is the most constant thing of my day...many miles...Kermit, I salute you! ;-) Could ya give me 50,000 more? Pretty please???

Ya can't argue...

with someone who's insane.

This is my problem. Hopefully I will be able to stay safe and secure both physically and emotionally. I have learned from some other situations that there's "no negotiations with terrorists."

'Nuff said. But what if they have hostages? I don't wanna be one, and I don't want anyone else to be one either...certainly not a largely defenseless person.

God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Even more apron patterns...

Skully flames, oilcloth, leather, knitted, log cabin patchwork, you name it.

Gusset Skully/Flames Apron (they don't show skullys but specifically suggest them in the apron directions):

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_needle_arts/article/0,2025,DIY_13768_5275315,00.html
Log Cabin Patchwork Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_needle_arts/article/0,2025,DIY_13768_5275213,00.html

Knitted Strawberry Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/na_knitting/article/0,2025,DIY_14141_5495820,00.html

Vintage Dishtowel Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_needle_arts/article/0,2025,DIY_13768_5089794,00.html
Craft Paint Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_needle_arts/article/0,2025,DIY_13768_5208377,00.html
Vintage Style Apron (very easy)

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_natural_homemade/article/0,2025,DIY_13767_5527070_02,00.html
Plastic Shopping Bag Apron (this one’s on the far edge of crunchy crafty) ;-)

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_clothing/article/0,2025,DIY_13751_5404592,00.html

Oilcloth Utility Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_clothing/article/0,2025,DIY_13751_5404681,00.html

Leather Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_needle_arts/article/0,2025,DIY_13768_5162756,00.html
Scarf Apron

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_clothing/article/0,2025,DIY_13751_5208231,00.html

Staying overnight

Kiddo announced that they wanted to stay at our house all week. Okay with us...they are much more peaceful and easier to get along with when they do. A relative calm settles over the home. Very, very cautiously optimistic about the possibility of kiddo finally getting psychiatric care. I know, I know, don't go kickin' the dog. Lord, I thank you for this possibility...

Two more bits of apronage... :-)

http://www.robertkaufman.com/quilting/quilts_patterns/happy_homemaker/

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/cr_sewing_other/article/0,,HGTV_3330_1369348,00.html

The first one is the "Hi Honey I'm Home" apron that you can use fat quarters for if you want.

The second one is a pillowcase apron.

I guess I'll have to try these out! :-)

Comfort food that is actually healthy...

Anyone else have a church cookbook? The Midwest is where I originally hail from, and there are lots and lots of greasy but yummy casseroles available there. My childhood church published a cookbook and I found a gem there...and altered it to some degree, of course. You can eat this without guilt! It is quite good...and you can, of course, chop your own veggies, but I made this as super easy as possible. Goes together very quickly.

Rice Casserole

1 lb ground beef, browned and drained (I use 93/7 that I get on sale and pull out of the freezer later, or the lowfat ground turkey (not all is low fat, so check your label). Also, those soy crumbles or soy breakfast sausage would probably be just great.

1 bag (10-16 oz???) chopped onions, celery and peppers...I got mine from K-Roger...;-) --throw them in with the ground beef while it's browning.

1 small bag of precooked brown rice (or just cook up a couple cups)

1 large can (i.e. around 28 oz) tomatoes--I used the aseptic pack kind with the basil, oregano, and thyme in them because they were on super cheap closeout)

Mix all together. If you like more tomatoes, add them...

Add herbs and spices (I used an all purpose herb seasoning, and the healthy salt substitute stuff, and pepper).

Put in a dish you have sprayed with vegetable oil spray. A 2-3 qt casserole dish is good. Bake at 350 for an hour.

It sounds very basic, but it is quite yummy! Hubs enjoyed it a lot...and so did I.

Market...

Whoa, nobody there. The drought has really hurt the vendors and traffic as a result, and it continues to do so. I had a decent day though, largely because a few regular customers came and bought quite a bit. I'm grateful. It's also gratifying to get nice comments about my stuff...making and selling stuff is always kind of putting yourself "out there" so to speak so to get repeat biz is always encouraging.

Prayer list...

This morning I was waiting at the physician's office to have my stitches removed, the word "benign" ringing pleasantly in my ears. Before I was called in, the door to the examination rooms opened and someone who is dear to our family emerged. I said "hi there ________" before I even stopped to think. Then I saw that person's spouse (whom we do not know) behind them. The person acknowledged me, said "nice to see you", but in their ashen face and desire to leave the offices as soon as possible, I knew that the news couldn't have been good. The last time I had seen that person they had remarked that they would be having a routine screening test similar to mine soon, and apparently that news had been unsettling to say the least.

With all due respect for this person's privacy, if you happen to stumble upon this blog now and again, please pray for this person. I may not mention their name, but God knows it full well. Please pray for their entire family. To say that I know some of what they are going through now is an understatement. It's almost like living through it all again, in a way.

This week's potluck...

...has been cancelled.

With that in mind I will post the recipe kiddo (yep, kiddo!) cooked for us last night. You know the drill if you are a mom or play on on TV like I do, you end up doing about as much work helping them, but I am proud of them!

Kiddo got the hankering for chicken "with tomato sauce and cheese on it". Told them that this was "Chicken Parmiagiana" and we had all the materials needed if they wanted to cook it.

This was a variation from the "Joy of Cooking" cookbook...

You would usually use breaded chicken breasts, but kiddo just used plain ones to save carbs and fat. He put some leftover pizza sauce in a greased 9 x 13 pan, then partially layered the thin cut boneless skinless chicken breasts in the pan, then put some parmesan cheese on it. Then he dumped some spaghetti sauce, basil, and garlic on the chicken breasts and topped with some leftover shredded romano.

Then we baked it at 350 degrees, until an internal temperature of 165 degrees. It could take you half an hour, or maybe longer. I'm guessing 45 min might be more like it if yours aren't thin cut but check it periodically with a meat thermometer and that way you won't be disappointed with raw or overcooked chicken...

Ours didn't quite look like this picture I borrowed off the net, we didn't mess with the parsley, although that would have been nice!

Bunches and bunches of apron tutorials...

http://mybyrdhouse.blogspot.com/search/label/Aprons

Now off to work for me, later gator! Tons of work to do today.

It's a challenging life

Today and yesterday have been quite a climb once again. Two different cars with day-filling problems, and a family situation (not hubs, kiddo or I) of grave concern. The spiritual weight lifting continues. Very exhausting. Market was a low turnout situation, sales weren't that great, but it did keep my mind off stuff for a little while, and I'm grateful for that.

I needed this

Our pal over at AKAPastorGuy posted this quote from the VeggieTales impresario (Phil Vischer) , and I am diggin' it big time as it suits our life to a T:

"If God gives you a dream, and the dream comes to life and God shows up in it, and then the dream dies, it may be that God wants to see what is more important to you - the dream or him. And once he's seen that, you may get your dream back. Or you may not, and you may live the rest of your life without it. But that will be okay, because you'll have God."

http://www.akapastorguy.blogspot.com/

Don't stay away from joy...

Enjoy the stuff you CAN enjoy and don't stay away from joy just because you can't understand some--many--of the things going on in your life. Be thankful and grateful for what you can be thankful and grateful for.

Thanks, David Jeremiah...I needed to remember that.

A couple good things: my hubby and kiddo. Also pleased that kiddo self-advocated about a class change they wanted to make, and sounds like probably successfully so...a positive development. Kiddo worked out a schedule change because they wanted to be in a more challenging class. Gotta love that...

Craftiness right under my nose

The fabulous Mason Dixon Knitting has an outpost here in Nashville, but I had no idea that they actually had a knitting group that gets together at the public library. I do not have time for this, but hope to go soon as they do awesome stuff and do things that people of all skill levels can tackle.

I must do this. This would be good and therapeutic for me. Okay, it's a goal and I'm gonna work on that. This would be a very good thing for me. Maybe if I keep saying that I will get the message. I'm kind of slow on this kind of thing.

If you like cool knitting patterns go see their site (listed on my sidebar) or get their book. It's super nifty.

Stress stress stress

There seems to be ten pounds of life that I don't have much control over, that I have to squish in a five pound bag. The driving fourish hours a day or more really takes it out of me.

My hubs worked 36 hours in the first three days of the week, and there's no end in sight to his overwork. He is understandably absolutely exhausted and also mentally drained. Someone on his team got axed and they dumped all that person's work into hub's lap. The last time this happened I didn't see much of hubs for almost six months. I need him around, to be sure, and besides that there are a lot of house maintenance/repairs things that must be done, too. I don't know how I can get them done without him.

Major problems with the orders that people need from me, whatever could go wrong on them has gone wrong, and still wrapping up a bunch of medical stuff. Steam escaping from the car as I drove it in the driveway today (hopefully just a hose?), bills upon bills for kiddo's education and basic needs (why do I have to feed kiddo most of their meals? why do I have to buy kiddo's underwear, clothing, shoes, personal care supplies, pretty much all kiddo's needs...why can't she even drive kiddo to our house? she's got a new car, shouldn't be a problem...yeah, right...well let's just say kiddo's mom isn't gonna do it and has established that quite clearly), while kiddo's relatives are quite well-to-do but refuse to help. Major problems with MIL, my mother, sister, kiddo...where does it end?

The doorknob just stopped working all of a sudden. Can't get out my front door! I know that's a little thing in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes it's a straw that breaks the camel's back.

I am very grateful for what we DO have, but I do feel like Sisyphus rolling the boulder uphill only for it to roll over me as it heads back down to the bottom of the hill. Guess what, nashbabe? You get to attempt to roll that huge boulder uphill yet again tomorrow. You feel flattened out and damaged by the boulder? Oh, well, do it anyway.

Lord, I trust you but it is very hard. But I do trust You. And I know you are really the one holding the boulder. But I can't get it all done. Please give me wisdom and direction, not to mention strength.

Sometimes people say that trials are like weight training, helping us learn to endure. Rather than giving me comfort, that gives me pause. What in the world might I be training for? Sounds like something very difficult, at least to me...

Dinner

A nice big pot roast in the crock pot with potatoes, onions, and carrots. Put some O'Douls Amber on it...I'm not opposed to beer, just don't have any in the house right now. The beginnings of beef stew for a second meal from the crock!

I have to feed a majorly carnivorous 15 year old. Kiddo eats most of their meals with us and has decided that a first-two-weeks South Beach is what they want to do at least for a couple weeks. But meat is in fashion with kiddo pretty much anywhere. I would be totally broke right now (well, actually I am anyway) if it weren't for my $25 freezer. We found it on a bulletin board listing of employee stuff where hubs used to work. I cruise the supermarkets on the way home from school and hit the "must be sold today or tomorrow" bargains and loss leaders.

Pot roast notwithstanding, I refuse to buy stuff byandlarge that isn't at least basically healthful. I don't care if 70/30 ground beef is on sale, I ain't gonna buy it. But for example I got 93/7 ground turkey today for half price (one of K-Rogers loss leaders today) so that I can live with.

Nifty

Moody broadcast a concert of prayer last night in commemoration of 9/11. It was actually quite cool. I would listen to more of those if they had them...just for prayer in general. I was surprised.

Headaches

How in the world could MIL need $250 worth of Avon in the last week and a half? And hundreds before that. Arrgh. Apparently she has been saying "I'll show him!" about my husband telling her she should not get a certain something that her doctor agrees would be bad for her. Who cares if you're badly in debt already, you are a special case and no one should fault you for that. After all, you are on a pedestal above all others, it would seem..

Truly, it is hard not to think of her as a teenager at best. Her behavior suits that. And of course no card or gift for hubs. I guess I've whined about that before.

Hopefully she will not outlast her money. I kind of have my doubts about that right now. And I am scared to death about that. She CANNOT live with us. We will never survive it. Lord, I put my stress about this back in your hands yet again.

Tonight's Pot Luck

Ever saw a recipe and said "wow, I have everything on hand for that"? Well, that was me for tonight. I don't have a pizza crust, but Bisquick will have to help me out tonight (they have a pizza crust recipe on their web site), and I don't have pine nuts, but walnuts will do. I would usually make a whole wheat crust in the bread machine, but I know that ain't gonna happen today...*L* Might throw a few artichokes on it too for the heck of it.

It's Chicken Pesto Pizza...

http://www.mamamarys.com/html/pizza_contest/winners_by_year.asp?ContestYear=2005&offset=15

The crust recipe:

http://www.bettycrocker.com/Recipes/Recipe.aspx?recipeId=34831


I did also see a recipe for chicken, broccoli, and tomato pasta over at foodnetwork.com and who knows, maybe I'll get a wild hair and do that one instead...

Roasted new potatoes...got the recipe from the Delvin Farms web site again. Just cut em into wedges, I put olive oil, salt and pepper, and rosemary on 'em. Bake at 425 for 20ish minutes, stir them a couple of times so they cook evenly. Nice!

A couple crochet / knit projects...

Crochet camo visors: When I was recovering from surgery and couldn't do a whole lot, or when I'm waiting for kiddo in a car or in a lobby...I've made more than a few of these. I will post a pic of them. Instead of a yellow edging I made mine camo edged in baby pink. For some reason (unknown to me) I am a preteen girl magnet at church (they're always flocking around me, busily telling me about what they're up to...my hubby says they do it because I actually listen to them...I dunno if that's actually it or not), and so when I got better I returned with a camo visor for each of them. I used pink velcro (you can get that in the closeout bin at JoAnns) instead of snaps because I figured it offered more flexibility in sizing/fit.

I should also say that I made the bill of the visor bigger than the pattern specifies. If you add the additional rows in the same criteria as the previous rows, and in increments of two, you'll end up with the same kind of thing but a bigger bill...because I think the bill is a little skimpy.

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/na_other/article/0,2025,DIY_14142_5334681,00.html

Steering wheel covers: I've made a few of these too and one has graced the wheel of my ancient Honda for a while. Nice on a hot day when you want to have more comfort. The main thing to remember is that they need to fit VERY snugly when you make them. Make them so snug that you really have to fight to put them on. Also, be sure to put some kind of non-slip stuff on the inside of them. I sewed pieces of a rug no-slip material inside, although I have heard of people putting blobs of hot glue on the inside too. This is not optional! The pattern is knit but of course there is no reason it couldn't be crocheted instead. Make one to match your car's color scheme!


I did NOT use the fuzzy type yarn, as shown in the DIYnet photo; I think something like a suede yarn would be extra nice. My favorite was an acrylic/wool blend, something about the natural fibers made it extra comfy.

http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/na_knitting/article/0,2025,DIY_14141_5193083,00.html

Stress

Stress has ratcheted up. It's a challenge to get it under control. So much is truly out of our hands, how we respond to it is so important. We've both been feeling it. At least it has helped us pray a lot. Waking up at 3 in the morning with all the stressors running through my head has been a very regular part of this, but hey, God said He'd help his kids sleep..so that's what I'm askin' for. Restful sleep is a prayer request for both of us right now.

Market was...

...slow. It was slow for everyone. The vendors had nothing to do. Sales weren't too exciting. I did get to see the mom of an old friend of mine though, and that was nice. Also, I was grateful that my stuff wasn't perishable like the food/vegetable vendors. I can just bring it back next time.

We had an outstanding rainstorm after market was over. Buckets upon buckets! There again, I was grateful for the market shed over our heads. Just an EZUp would have been a major pain. A few things got a little damp, but none of the stock was damaged, so I'm grateful both for the rain (we've been in the middle of a major drought) and for the roof over our heads at the time.

So it truly could have been worse.

For you geeks and geekettes

Binary socks

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=6912000

Space Invaders Sweater

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=6925868

The inconvenience of service

Dang, following God can be a pain in the tookus...but it is worth it. I'm just whining.

Kiddo decided a few weeks ago that they weren't going to go to youth group any more at our church. Sometimes a dyslexic is not real forthcoming about what the reasons are...trying to find the words to describe why is a pain and that wouldn't be a problem but coupled with impulse control problems aplenty you get an interesting (I'm being nice) situation.

Somehow we were able to avoid the hairtrigger anger. I don't take credit for it, it happened to be a rare occasion when kiddo is calmly conversant...I would credit God for that. It was cool because I didn't freak out, we were able to talk about why kiddo didn't want to go (perfectly understandable reasons) : younger kids kiddo considers very immature and no kids their age in the group.

I basically said, gently, that I could certainly understand that, and that if I were your mom, I would basically say "well, let's put together some ideas for a spiritual meeting, Bible study or group that you DO feel comfortable with, and I expect that you would pick one and I'll help you get to the meetings."

A friend of kiddo's (well, kiddo would say vehemently that they have NO friends) has been trying to get kiddo to go to their youth group. Kiddo expressed some interest in going. I said "it matters enough to me that I will help you get there if you want to go." Of course the group is fairly close to kiddo's school, which means it is a LONG ways away. But kiddo is not easily swayed to go to a group closer to home, and I didn't even try. If the kid is interested in spiritual things, I'm going to try to meet reasonable requests. This is on the fringe of "reasonable" but if I'll drive that far for school, I should be willing to drive that far to youth group. Hoping we can come up with something to do inbetween school and youth group, if we do this, so we're not driving home and then driving yet again back over there...which doesn't make logistical, time, or monetary sense. Please, 100 miles a day is long enough, 150 is too much. Obviously I espect the kid to bring a change of clothes and whatever else kiddo needs so we don't have to go back to their house.

So of course today kiddo announces he was interested in maybe going tonight. *sigh* I could have used that time for other stuff, Lord, but I know this is important. I can get in the groove and use it for shopping time or working on stuff in the car.

This self-care thing is hard. I suck at it. Maybe it's the four hours plus a day of driving, and all the other caring for hubs and kiddo thing that makes it hard.. Ya think? ;-P

Hubs has not been feeling well at all and I have had my hands full as a result with extra stuff to do..lots of it. I'm quite worried about/for him. Hoping things will get better for him soon. Seems like when I physically started feeling better, it coincided (sort of) with his feeling worse. Yikes.

Tonight's Pot Luck

I have a bunch of very ripe tomatoes from farmers market that I will use for that corn, red potato, and tomato salad (just look under recipes if you want to see the ingredients, here among my posts).

Didn't use the chile relleno casserole from last week so I will take it out of the freezer and heat it up.

There's a beautiful large watermelon from the organic grower neighbor of mine at the farmers market, chilling as we speak.

Then my plan is to make the Secret Chocolate Cake as described on Delvin Farms' newsletter...
(scroll down a bit)...sneaky, eh? http://www.delvinfarms.com/newsletters/issue8.htm Always wanted to try a cake with beets in it. Hey, mayonnaise cakes and tomato soup cakes are both lovely and no one's caught a clue, only loved them. So go for it...

Market this last Saturday

It was remarkably good. Not a lot of customers but it seemed that those who came definitely bought stuff. I am very hopeful for the rest of the fall based on these results. Definitely can use the money! Sure enough, getting more aprons in there did spur sales and I brought out the scarves/knit/crochet stuff for its fall debut, being Labor Day weekend and all. Sold a couple scarves and I think as things get cooler and I get some of my more funky designs worked back up, I will sell more. (Honestly, what I had this last weekend was just the dregs of what hadn't sold last fall so to sell a couple of them was gravy as far as I was concerned...I was really low on most colors and didn't have many of my best sellers.)

Thanks, God, for helping us sell stuff at market...and I'm prayin' for big sales this fall. Gonna whip up some more apronage this week, but candles have to come first this week. I have wholesale customers in serious need and all the illnesses I went through put that on the back burner. Glad I'm healing up well and the doctors have helped me get on a good road...

Way more than I think I can handle

Today hasn't been a good one thus far. Dealing with kiddo gets so very stressful, and hubs is not feeling well and hasn't been feeling well for a while now. Kiddo most assuredly has a major psychiatric disorder, and I should be able to remind myself of that during the problems, but often I cannot. The stress is unbearable sometimes. Picture a fifteen year old who looks 17 or 18 with the mentality of a five year old sometimes. Very smart, but cannot control their emotions at all. We've been at bowling alleys before where the outbursts of rage silenced the entire crowd. I mean, a bowling alley is a loud place where people don't usually notice things, and to have all the other folks there stop and stare like "what the heck was that?" lets you know how severe the rages are sometimes.

After kiddo works out (or after a medium to major rage), they are kind, well spoken and pleasant to talk to...for a while. When the adrenaline wears off, back into the abyss we go. It's so very hard. I grew up with a lot of yelling and screaming in my family and you would think I would be used to it; but not being empowered to get kiddo the help they need is probably what sets me off the worst of all. Don't want to overstep my bounds, but I could just about write kiddo's prescription...that would probably help. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to practice medicine without a license.

I know I need to care for myself and thinking of doing so right now just feels like yet another "to do" on an overflowing list of stressors.

God will help me through this somehow, and I am hoping relief is here soon. Either change the situation, or change me and how I deal with it. I can live with either one, I think. I know that God has a plan and is at work, but often it is just an intellectual assent. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what is going on behind the scenes of what looks to all the world like abandonment, and it keeps me going. God will deliver this kid yet. God's the only one who can at this point.