Not feeling well

Haven't felt well for a few weeks, which is very discouraging, but trying to deal with it by exercising, eating as well as possible, and dealing with the stress and not just stuffing it.

Another strange and not exciting missive below; might want to ignore this one. It's heavy and weird, but heartfelt. :-)

I've been crocheting a ton, which usually means I am very stressed out. Yep, that's accurate about now.

There are good things happening; I just need to remember that. Three new interested parties in the stuff I sell, a loving husband who seems to finally be feeling a bit better, three cats who seem to know just when to apply lots of cuddles and purrs, health insurance (thank the Lord), reasonably decently working old cars, a handful of positive days with kiddo that have been strikingly good but also replete with the same old rage and anger outbursts interspersed, a warm home.

Last summer, I didn't really care about life many times. Now I do care, but it does hurt. Now I want to work on things being better and getting healed. That is a vast improvement. Feeling things instead of stuffing them is something neither hubs nor I were allowed to do growing up, and so we haven't done well with it even as adults. Now we are both learning and growing in an understanding of why things are the way they are.

My prayer is that God will show us more and more of what to do about it so we can be reasonably healthy, joy filled people. We deal with several rage filled individuals on a near constant basis. This would make even the most strong people crumble, and so we acknowledge the rough times as very understandable. Without God and the people who care about us, I honestly don't know what we would do. I am grateful, and also really feeling the pain, hurt, and anger for potentially the first time. I guess it's a good thing to feel, and deal with the feelings. In our culture we are perpetually surrounded by ways to avoid our feelings, and avoid dealing with them. No wonder there are so many addictions and so much brokenness out there. God is even now helping us deal with the pain and without God I have no idea how we would do it.

I'm working on a letter or two that I will no doubt never send, but will allow me to write about the pain and hurt as well as my strong desire for healing and the things I am doing to gain healing, with God's help. In my heart I know that a lot, if not most, of the stressors are on us because of others' unwillingness or inability to deal with their own hurts and addictions/sadness/pain. That gives me even more motivation to take God's hand, wade though the pain for seemingly the first time, and have confidence that I will make it to the other side.

So sad, hurting, angry, and also hopeful and confident. More of the former than the latter, but even a small bit, tiny, miniscule amount of hope and confidence in God can go a long way. Surely I have had to endure this in order to know God better and to have true peace and healing. I can sense these things coming to pass, even in my despair. I'm still grateful.