It would seem that deja vu is here again

Haven't I already said that it was rough, really rough, and seemingly getting rougher? Yet, here I am again saying it's getting even rougher. Will it ever get any better? I am trying to have hope.

I am so grateful for all the people who are helping us, sending notes of comfort, strengthening us. It is very hard right now, but imagine how hard it would be if they were not here lifting us up?

Also, I don't even want to think of where I would be right now if I wasn't walking and walking and walking some more. I am walking 45-60 minutes a day, four-six times a week. Yeah, pudgy Clydesdale nashbabe is doing that. Hard to believe. Never thought I could do this, but I am. Now I can't imagine not doing it. Frankly, I need it. It IS changing my life, I have to admit. Now I hope that in all this chaos, I won't be forced to give it up. I need some protection, Lord, and deep inside I know you are protecting me, but frankly, I feel pretty vulnerable right now to the storms. Hurricane Dolly ain't got nothin' on them, unfortunately.

A difficult part of all this is that I'm trying to hold my hubs up through this madness, really by necessity, but I can't really hold myself up. Really stinks to both be going through such difficulty. I am so tired of saying this. I thought things were going to calm down, and I know pretty much every friend in the book has to be tired of nashbabe and hubs' problems. I know I am. I feel stupid for having these problems, but in my more rational moments I know that they are largely if not exclusively outside stressors being dumped on us.

There are four, no, five things weighing down heavily on us. Any one of them would be considered a difficult, crisis type situation on their own. All of them together is madness.

The good part is I am stronger now than last year, in order to deal with them. It does seem like the problems haven't abated much in the past year in particular, and seem to be worsening. I'm grateful that I have some stress management in place now that I haven't had before. Growing up with nearly constant abuse gives a person weird ideas...like they deserved it, like there is no possible situation where one should attend to one's needs. After all, you are crap, and the abuser will remind you of that on a regular basis, even after you have severed contact. At least I'm learning to care for myself. Lord, I hope I do it for the right reasons, and not just to be strong enough to care for others.

I'm reading Psalm 42 a lot, too. Lord, please help me through this. I don't even know how I'm still standing. Surely it's time for a break from this heavy, depressing stuff. Please. I'm begging you. But even if it can't change, please stay really close to me and help me right now. Thank you, amen.

Enough musing, praying, and crying for tonight. Off to make every attempt to get some rest.