Warning; this post might be a good one to skip over.
The last few years have really taken it out of me. My reserves are low and my anger is often high. Feel pretty non-understood, not that this is a word. I know God understands, but a human face on that would help. I'm not saying this to get a comment out of anyone...I'm saying it more to be real and to acknowledge my feelings as being at least somewhat legitimate.
Several weeks ago when talking to a long time friend I mentioned something in an aside about the number of miles hubs and I drive every day to take care of kiddo (100 minimum) and somehow the amount of money we spend to pay tuition, gas, etc., came up. It was what is for us a huge, overwhelming number that leaves us gasping for financial breath every month, and frankly sinking beneath the waves quite a few of them. They were really surprised about both the mileage and the number. Somehow that felt really hard...like not even our close friends understand what we are going through.
People talk about vacations, buying cars, etc., and frankly I feel so left out. I am tired of a seventeen year old TV and a refrigerator that isn't working that great. I am tired of a roof that needs replacing pronto.
But Lord, you must have some kind of plan for me, and some kind of peace for me. Help me keep discovering it.
And my apologies to anyone who actually reads this post. Consider it only an honest cry of sadness (like what, Psalm 88 I think it is?) and hopes for the Psalm 89 after it.
I know we are making a difference, but it is still excruciatingly hard and so very lonely many, many times.
Please don't take this post the wrong way. I'm grateful to God anyhow. Take it more as maybe a weak example of how anyone can be honest with God even when things suck and still be loved and accepted. Sure am glad about that last part. Or maybe it's an honest statement that might help someone else at the holidays, the time where stereotypically all is supposed to be wonderful and you might not feel quite that wonderful today.
If you're where I'm at, maybe this will help.
And if you read this, don't stop there, I can tell you from experience. Read this, too. Pardon the french, but you can't tell me that the psalmists didn't have a helluva lot of problems, too. I am comforted by that realization.
1 comment:
You're doing the "right thing".
It's difficult to hear about others's "self-indulgence" and when they discuss all their little luxuries as if it's nothing at all and expected, whereas when asked "you've been on this or that Caribbean cruise, right?" you kinda just snort and think, "yeah, right........." and you hear "Oh, I'm getting Jim a $3,500 HD setup for his workout room for Xmas; that's ONE of his gifts..." then think,
"Hmmmm.......I'd just like a TV that was designed AFTER DVD's came out, not that I have time to watch it anyways...."
You have YOUR priorities, YOUR life, and THINGS aren't in your happiness equation. Sometimes it's difficult to reconcile why we seem to always be struggling with what comes so easily and freely to others, but to be spiritually rich is a contentment many do not know.
((hugs)) Bonne
Post a Comment